my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
