I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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