The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
