She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
