Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize