so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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