I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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