Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
