did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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