the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
