I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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