She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
