She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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