dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
