Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
