I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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