I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
