Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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