Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
