I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
