Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
