you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
