whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize