Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize