I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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