I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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