so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
