Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
