He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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