Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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