'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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