I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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