Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
