i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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