I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
