chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
