My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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