I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
