I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
