wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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