theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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