I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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