I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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