I'm so fucking centered right now
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
