someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
