Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
