I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
