a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
