I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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