Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
