I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
