so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
