Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
