Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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