He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
