you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
