I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
