you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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