my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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