I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
