I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
